Catharsis

I was in D.C. this past week and while there I went to see the National Monuments. I walked the National Mall, literally saw history before my eyes. Well, I was in front of a bunch of high school kids. They were talking about people who were and weren't attractive (why, I don't know) when one of the girls whispered to the boy next to her (not very quietly), "Guess who isn't attractive?" He asked, "Who?" I could practically feel her nod in my direction and say, "That girl." Since there weren't any other girls around, other than their friends, I assumed she was talking about me. I nearly turned around and slapped the laugh right off of her. Instead, I just quickened my pace and tried to ignore the brat.

Last night, I had an amazing dream where I told off this girl (along with everyone else I was angry at) for being such a jerk. I didn't yell at her or anything, but I just told her that she couldn't make me feel bad. The only bad part of the dream was waking up.

It turns out that telling people off is only cathartic if you actually do it. Since I can't exactly pick a fight with this girl, since I'll never see her again and since she probably doesn't remember me, I'm going to tell all of you off! Anyone who has ever been mean to me, watch out. So, if you're looking to read a funny post that will make you laugh skip to the next one because this isn't it. Well...it might make you laugh, but I'm serious so it shouldn't tickle your funny bone. It's gonna get ugly, people, cause I'm about to say all the things I'd never say in person.

Dear Jerk,

Despite your over-inflated ego and abnormally large head, the world does not revolve around you. You do not go around saying bratty things about your friends, or strangers for that matter, to anyone who will listen. Saying someone is "unattractive" is rude. Calling someone fat is rude. Starting rumors about anyone is not just rude, it's malicious.
     It's actually kind of flattering you doing all of this. I mean, it's flattering in an incredibly twisted sense. You must be incredibly jealous to devote so much time and effort trying to make me miserable. Don't get me wrong, I did find it flattering...for the first few months. But as the months dragged on into years it got less flattering and more annoying. Eventually, when you grew up and learned how to cleverly cloak an insult, it became hurtful. I am beyond tired of your jealousy. Whatever your problem is - get over it.
     You might think this is a game. How many guys can I get to avoid Jessie? How many girls can I get to spread non-imaginative rumors about her? How many times can I make her cry? I've got news for you - I'm not playing your game. You want to get guys to avoid me? Go ahead. You want to spread rumors? At least think of something original, I beg you! You want to make me cry? Don't worry, I'll get over it. I refuse to become anything like you and I will not stoop to your level. If it were possible, I would say this to your face. As it is, only a chosen few have had that privilege...so far.
     I am a good person. I do my best and I try to do what is right. You can't make me feel bad. You can be as cruel as you want, but you cannot make me believe I am worthless. You might make me cry, but you can't change who I am. Don't waste your time trying.
     Now, it would be nice if you were actually listening to any of the things I've said. However, I know people like you tend to lose focus after someone other than yourself starts talking. You've probably already come up with several different ways to torture me in the future, so let me just say this in closing:
     No matter what you say about me; no matter what you do to me; no matter how many times you try to hurt me; you will never have any power over me. You will never be more than a selfish, arrogant brat who only feels good when others feel bad, and I feel sorry for you. So enjoy the rest of your pathetic existence, because I'm done listening to you and people like you.

xoxo,
Jessie

Me? Sarcastic?

sar·casm 
 [sahr-kaz-uhm] 

1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.
2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark

If that definition came as a surprise to anyone - you really shouldn't be reading my blog.

What's more, if you don't get half of what I'm saying, it's because I'm saying it all sarcastically (see above definition).

Now, in all seriousness (see above), I don't know why people don't get me. Besides the fact that I'm delightful and the sweetest, prettiest person you'll ever meet, I'm humble. Who wouldn't want to be friends with someone as humble as I am?

Yet I'm told that I have a sarcastic personality. I prefer to think of it as being witty, but hey, whatever paints your canvas. A couple days ago one of my guy friends told me that I'll say anything. I took it as a compliment. While it's true that I say just about everything that's on my mind, there's a ton I don't say. Seriously, about half. I should really try to up that to about 3/4, but then I'd be so quiet all the time people would wonder what was wrong with me.

The problem with my sarcasm is that everyone believes what I say. Either people are just really gullible or I have to work on my sarcastic, *cough* *cough* I mean, witty, voice. So, just for the heck of it, and because I'm bored (because let's face it...who writes on their blog when they're busy?), I decided to make a hilarious list of things I've said in my "witty" voice that people believed.

My Not-So-Sarcastic Voice

•  (At a bridal shower)"I met her when I caught her making out with my ex-husband. We're great friends now, though." 
• "She has multiple personalities. Each one needs a sandwich."
• "We've been friends since the first grade. He keeps pretending he doesn't know me." -Me
  "I don't!" -Guy
• "It's your lucky day! I saw this Snickers bar and thought immediately of you!" (That guy ended up asking me out). 
• "I don't eat food. I just stare at it hoping the process of osmosis will come into play." 

I can't count how many times people have asked if I'm serious and I have to say no. Of course, I can't count how many times people have asked me if I'm being sarcastic and I have to say no. *Sigh* It looks like I'll never win. 

xoxo,
Jessie

Mean

Rude. Harsh. Abrasive. Cantankerous. Caustic. Sarcastic. Unpleasant. Callous. Hostile.

No matter how you spell it all these words mean the same thing: mean.

I've been told I am a mean person. Many things I say are construed as mean. May I just say that being honest should not automatically make you a mean person? Just because I say what I mean and mean what I say, doesn't mean that I am mean. (By the way, I just beat the World Record for the most times "mean" has been used in a sentence. I checked.)

Why should I lie to make someone else feel better? I'm not saying I go up to people and tell them they're fat and ugly - I would never do that. Yet if I tell a guy I'm just not interested, it automatically makes me mean. Is it better to go out with him on a "pity date" or as a "charity case" not expecting to have a good time and never planning on going out with him again? I don't think so. I think people deserve chances, yes, but I am the kind of person who knows what I want and knows what is going to get me there. I don't think that lying to someone to make him feel better and then just hurting him worse later on is good either. I, personally, would rather have someone be honest with me and hurt my feelings in the beginning than lead me to believe something false.

Personally, I think I'm delightful. I don't kick children. I have never purposefully hit a cat with my car (yet). I refrain from flipping people off during spouts of road rage. I don't even Saran wrap the toilet seat anymore! 

I just think some people judge too quickly when they see something as "mean." They generally don't understand the situation the "meanness" occurred. For instance, if you've ever seen me punch someone in the face, I probably was aiming for their stomach and simply miscalculated. You probably just assumed the worst.

If I have ever hurt someone with my honesty, I am truly sorry. It was not intended to hurt or harm anyone. I was trying to be honest, not mean. 

Now, that I've got that off my chest, I think I'll go make someone cry. It's kind of liberating. You should try it sometime. ;)

xoxo,

Jessie

Anything At All

I am happy to say I did it! I graduated college. I officially have a Bachelor of Science in Communications - Journalism. I never thought this would happen, but it finally did. I will never have to go to school again. I will never have to do homework again! Unless, I go to graduate school...but that's a different topic for a different day. All the useless information I've learned over the past three years can now be pushed out of my brain into the trash where it belongs. The pain I've gone through with teachers I hated, the struggle I went through from teachers who thought I could do better, it all ends here! I am done! It's finally over!

After I finished my paper last night about midnight, I danced around the apartment for about an hour singing obnoxiously and slightly off-key at the top of my lungs. Actually, I just went to bed. But I was dancing inside. It is quite possible that today is the best day of my life. I shared the day with my family and friends and people who drive me crazy, but it doesn't matter anymore because I will never have to see those people again! It couldn't have gone better. Unless you count the "Stay Purple" song we had to sing at the end of commencement...which I don't.

So here I am, lying on my bed because all the jumping up and down tired me out, and I find myself thinking about what I'm going to do. It just occurred to me: anything I want. I can do anything. I never have to go to school again. The guilt I feel when I watch TV instead of doing homework is gone. That anxious feeling I get when I have a test? I'll never have that again. I'll never have to "change" my ideas and beliefs to please a professor again. I won't ever have to worry about an insult directed at my professor lowering my grade.  I am done. I don't have to read anything I don't want to read. I don't have to study useless material for hours and hours on end to get a grade. I can finally do what I want to do. I can do anything!

I wonder what I'll come up with. :)

xoxo,
Jessie

10 Things I'll Never Do Again

I gave my roommate a ride to school this morning. On the way I complained about one of my final papers that my teacher is making me rewrite (again). I said, in my usual sarcastic fashion, "Put that on the list of top ten things I'll never do again." She began to ask me what other things I would never do again, and I proceeded to think about it for the rest of the day. So here it is:

Top Ten Things I'll Never Do Again

1. Think that writing a paper about registered sex offenders would be "fascinating."
2. Waste two hours watching Napoleon Dynamite. 
3. Say "sounds fun" when someone asks me to go on short (a.k.a. three-mile) hike.
4. Believe the people at the bottom of the mountain that say they'll catch me when the zip-line ends.
5. Wear brand new flats to tear up carpet and remove wallpaper. 
6. Date a registered sex offender.
7. Tell a friend that I hate another girl so I can watch her tell that other girl. 
8. Take ceramics as my "easy" class of the semester.
9. Believe a guy when he says, "I didn't have time to call." 
10. Wear pink and red eyeshadow with sparkles and think it's hot.

You might think this is a little premature, making a list of the top ten things I'll never do again. But I still have the "Boy Was I Wrong List"; the "Things I Should Have Done but Didn't" list; and the ever-so-popular the "Stupid Things I've Said" list. 

Stay tuned.

xoxo,

Jessie

Just Laugh

Tonight, I watched some YouTube clips of Saturday Night Live, David Letterman, Jay Leno...you know, the "funny people." I decided I want to be one of those people who can laugh at just about anything. I like to think I already am; anyone who knows me knows I laugh so much it's obnoxious. Since I haven't laughed that much today, I thought I'd make a list of things that make me laugh.

Laugh a Little

• Hiccups
• The word "tutu"
• Clown-size shoes
• The look on the waiter's face when he sees I've finished my meal
• Gilmore Girls
• My niece's laughter
• Elaine from Seinfield dancing
• My roommate attempting to grow potatoes in a vase full of water
• Dates that are just too awful that if you don't laugh, you'll cry
• The Hokey Poky
• When my mom's dog tries to jump on the bed and only makes it halfway
• My hair when I get out of bed
• My face when I go to bed
• Running and the fact I will never understand it
• When life hands you lemons and lemon juice squirts you in the eye while making lemonade

If these things don't make you laugh, just know I'm entertained easily. :)

xoxo,

Jessie

I'll Be Happy When

It's okay to be happy. Sometimes I think people, myself included, are constantly looking for new ways to be happy. We think that we'll be happy when some event occurs. We'll be happy when we get a new car. We'll be happy when we get a new job.

Common I'll Be Happy Whens:

• I'll be happy when I graduate
  
• I'll be happy when I get my own place
  
• I'll be happy when I have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
  
• I'll be happy when I get married
  
• I'll be happy when I have kids.
  
• I'll be happy when my kids go to Kindergarten.
  
• I'll be happy when my kids go off to college.
  
• I'll be happy when I die.

Thinking like this propels us in the direction opposite happiness. It makes us believe that our happiness depends on an object or an event, when in reality the only thing it depends on us. We can choose when we'll be happy. We don't have to be blissfully, jump for joy, obnoxiously perky, kind of happy all the time. That would be awful. But we can be content with the way things are. We can be thankful for what we have in our lives currently and look forward to what we could have in the future.

This is not to say that we should base our happiness entirely on the future. If we learn to be happy with the here and now we can be happy with whatever the future brings. We will still have bad days and we'll still feel sad, but the majority of our days we should be able to be content with what we have.

If you're having trouble being happy in the here and now and you're thinking in terms of "I'll be happy when..." you can change. Start small and think about the simple things that make you happy. When we focus on the things that make us happy instead of the things that make us sad our perspective can change and we bring more things that make us happy into our lives. If you can't do this right now and you have too much other stuff going on in your lives, that's okay. Happiness is a process and we all have to find our own way that we can be happy.

This way works for me, but it might not work for you. Find a way that works for you whether that's getting professional help and seeing a therapist or (even crazier) working out on a regular basis. I just want everyone to know that it's okay to be happy right now. You don't have to wait to be happy.

xoxo,
Jessie

Yes Ma'am

I've never considered myself old. I've never thought that I'm anything but young. When I describe myself one of the first words is always young. For instance: I am a smart, young, beautiful girl who is somewhat abrasive, more than a little sarcastic, and almost always bluntly honest. Key words: young and girl. I didn't say I was an old woman, or a middle-age lady, or least of all, a ma'am. Yet I've noticed that people are calling me ma'am more and more frequently.

Am I getting wrinkles? Is my hair turning gray? Do I wear clothes that look like they should be worn by someone 30 years older than me? If you are honestly considering answering any of these questions "yes" you need to stop reading my blog. The answer is no.

So what's with the ma'am? Is it a respect thing? It's better when people call me "miss". Better yet, just call me by my name, because chances are good that whoever called me ma'am was given my credit card so they should know my name.

I shouldn't be so upset by this. Then again, I get upset about a lot of things. I should add dramatic to my list of attributes when I introduce myself.

My name is Jessie. I am a smart, young, beautiful girl who is somewhat abrasive, more than a little sarcastic, and has freaked out about minor things on more than one occasion. Is that all right with you?

Yes ma'am.

xoxo,
Jessie

Blind Faith

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

-Martin Luther King Jr.

The academic year is coming to a close. Life changing events are about to take place. I find myself leaning over  the edge of a cliff looking down into a dark abyss watching as friends and classmates leap over the edge with smiles and laughter. Only now do I notice that my friends and classmates (even my enemies) all posses one item I do not. A parachute. All of them know that before they hit the ground with a SPLAT! they will have the saving grace of a parachute. They will come out of the experience alive. Except for the unfortunate one or two who won't open their parachutes on time...but for the most part they'll all live. Me, however? I'm scared stiff.

Aside from my over-dramatic metaphor, I really am excited to graduate. I don't really have a plan. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just know I'm one of the lucky few who have their parents to fall back on. But while I was thinking about all of this I was thinking...don't I have faith it will all work out? Don't I know, somewhere, waaay in the back of my mind, that life will turn out okay?

Sometimes faith isn't always having a plan. Sometimes faith is just taking a few steps into the dark, away from the light. The thing about light is it allows us to see. Whenever it's bright outside people can see exactly what is going on. But darkness obscures. It's a mystery. No one knows what it might contain. That's why people are afraid of the dark. Have you ever known someone to be afraid of the light?

Seeing in the light is easy. It's seeing in the dark that's hard.

I guess sometimes we just need to be blind for a while.

xoxo,
Jessie

April Fools' Day

Times are a'changing and Google's changing with them. Watch the video below to find out how you can save time by making your computer motion-sensitive.

For those of you who, like me, don't thoroughly enjoy April Fools' Day, here's Jimmy Kimmel's April Fools' Advice:

I hope you enjoyed these videos. And if not...April Fools! 

xoxo,
Jessie