Me? Sarcastic?

sar·casm 
 [sahr-kaz-uhm] 

1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.
2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark

If that definition came as a surprise to anyone - you really shouldn't be reading my blog.

What's more, if you don't get half of what I'm saying, it's because I'm saying it all sarcastically (see above definition).

Now, in all seriousness (see above), I don't know why people don't get me. Besides the fact that I'm delightful and the sweetest, prettiest person you'll ever meet, I'm humble. Who wouldn't want to be friends with someone as humble as I am?

Yet I'm told that I have a sarcastic personality. I prefer to think of it as being witty, but hey, whatever paints your canvas. A couple days ago one of my guy friends told me that I'll say anything. I took it as a compliment. While it's true that I say just about everything that's on my mind, there's a ton I don't say. Seriously, about half. I should really try to up that to about 3/4, but then I'd be so quiet all the time people would wonder what was wrong with me.

The problem with my sarcasm is that everyone believes what I say. Either people are just really gullible or I have to work on my sarcastic, *cough* *cough* I mean, witty, voice. So, just for the heck of it, and because I'm bored (because let's face it...who writes on their blog when they're busy?), I decided to make a hilarious list of things I've said in my "witty" voice that people believed.

My Not-So-Sarcastic Voice

•  (At a bridal shower)"I met her when I caught her making out with my ex-husband. We're great friends now, though." 
• "She has multiple personalities. Each one needs a sandwich."
• "We've been friends since the first grade. He keeps pretending he doesn't know me." -Me
  "I don't!" -Guy
• "It's your lucky day! I saw this Snickers bar and thought immediately of you!" (That guy ended up asking me out). 
• "I don't eat food. I just stare at it hoping the process of osmosis will come into play." 

I can't count how many times people have asked if I'm serious and I have to say no. Of course, I can't count how many times people have asked me if I'm being sarcastic and I have to say no. *Sigh* It looks like I'll never win. 

xoxo,
Jessie