Back to School

Summer is coming to a close and school is beginning again for the unlucky majority. It's the first time in 15 years that I haven't been getting ready for a new year of school. All around me students are preparing themselves for that unbearable teacher they have to have, the class they took for an easy A, and the inevitable first homework assignment. They can't just fool around anymore. No more staying up late just because they can, no more sleeping in until noon because their shift at work doesn't start until 12:15. Now they actually have to try and pass their classes. And that, my friends, is not at all fun.

Unless, of course, you're one of those strange and unusual specimens that actually likes school, heaven forbid. In which case, this post does not apply to you at all and you are free to close this window and spend your time studying instead of procrastinating. Go on - get back to work.

To the rest of you...continue procrastinating. It's worth it. To those of you starting school, my apologies. On the other hand...congratulations! You're one start of the year closer to being finished with school forever!

Since I am no longer in school (don't hate me, I went through it, too), I'm celebrating the start of school by watching my favorite back to school movies. Don't worry, I won't watch them all in one day. I could, because I don't go to school anymore (haha!), but I won't just out of respect for you.

5 Back to School Movies

Grease: In some states an entire school year is only two hours long. In others, it's two semesters long and the students only retain two hours worth of knowledge. 

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Just repeating "Bueller...Bueller...Bueller..." makes you feel better about school. 

Legally Blonde: Sometimes I wonder if I should go to graduate school...then I watch this movie.

Never Been Kissed: You too can change your entire high school experience by having your brother come to your high school and make everyone believe you're popular.  

Sydney White: Girl goes to college and tries to liberate the dorks. It's like watching a train wreck. You want to look away, but you can't. 

If you're bummed that school is starting then watch a movie that'll make you smile...laugh...and maybe wet your pants. 

xoxo,

Jessie

If I was a Spy...

I dreamed I was a spy. I was sent to kill the CEO of a company because he was doing something bad...I'm not quite sure what it was, but I was sure it was really bad... Anyway, the CEO was having a fancy party that night in his mansion so it would be the perfect opportunity to kill him. I don't know why, but it just was. I stood waiting in the rafters of his mansion, because someone as wealthy as him couldn't afford to finish his ceiling, and when he was directly below me, I pulled out my gun and lunged toward the chandelier about to shoot when suddenly - I woke up.

Obviously it got me to thinking, 'I'm hungry.' After I ate some food, though, I thought, 'I wonder what my life would be like if I really was a spy?' So I made one of my ever infamous lists.

If I Was A Spy...

• My name would be Dominique Francesca Lightningbug. I don't know why; it just would.
  
  
• I'd dye my hair black because that's what Angelina Jolie taught spies do in Salt. It just makes sense.
  
  
• I would wear waaaay cuter clothes than I wore in my dream. Black turtleneck? Not a chance.
  
  
• I'd live in a penthouse apartment and make everyone believe the bestselling author Jessie Holmes lived there.
  
  
• I'd buy a yellow Porsche because nothing says undercover like driving down the street in car that screams "LOOK AT ME!"
  
  
• I would live a successful, but lonely life, and wonder if my life would have been better off if I had gone to college, majored in Journalism, and married a nice young man who would have supported my writing career and the fact that no matter how hard I try I'll never look good in the color orange, had kids and lived happily ever after. Then I'd eat a chocolate and realize no, probably not. My life as a spy is definitely the better of the two.
  
  

xoxo,

Jessie

Original Research - Nap Time

I was on Wikipedia recently and saw this notice: 

This article may contain original research. Please improve it by verifying the claims made and adding references. Statements consisting only of original research may be removed. More details may be available on the talk page. (January 2011)

Needless to say it made me laugh out loud. I decided to conduct my own original research and will allow you, the reader, to improve it by verifying the claims made and adding references. However, any statements made consisting only of original research may be removed. 

"Nap Time"

By Jessie Holmes Lo.L.

Remember preschool when you would grab a blanket and a teddy bear and take a nap? And when you woke up you were refreshed and energized and ready to take on the monkey bars again? 

A recent scientific study from Harvard-Yale-Princeton, respectively, showed that 99.996 percent of adults that took a short nap at work were able to increase productivity. If the nap was 40-60 minutes long productivity increased 10 thousand percent, but if under 40 minutes productivity would decrease. 

In essence if 40-60 minute naps were allowed, a 40 hour/week job could accomplish 4 thousand hours of work. If more companies made mandatory nap time they would increase their growth exponentially. 

Needless to say, nap time is a necessity that no one can afford to miss. Literally. 

xoxo,

Jessie

Psych!

I have a new favorite TV show. Psych is not just a fun word from the 90's, it's also a hilarious TV show. I don't find very many TV shows that make me laugh out loud, but this one does. It's the story of a man who solves crimes by pretending to be a psychic. He uses his acute observation skills to notice things others don't and then tells them to the police as if he thought of them in a psychic vision. Sound funny? Not really. It is, though, trust me.

Lines from Psych:

Gus: Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that? 
Shawn: I lived in an airport for a month, Gus. 
Gus: That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal. 
Shawn: Same difference.

Gus: Are you crazy? 
Shawn: I wouldn't say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

Juliet: Detective Lassiter is literally on fire today. 
Shawn: "Literally on fire" as in Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial, or as in a misuse of the word "literally?" 

Netflix it. Hulu it. You'll love it.

xoxo,
Jessie

JABPJW

Raise an online hand if you've ever been confused by acronyms...jargon...emoticons. You got stuck on the online hand, didn't you? Trying to figure out how to do it? Can't figure it out? Think you're a failure because everyone else can raise an online hand except you? You are. Now that you're depressed because you've failed in your attempt to master online jargon and emoticons, such as RUMCYMHMD and ;-<> let me further BYB.

http://pctechnotes.com

Emoticons were created just after the revelation of the cosmetic effect of Botox in 2002. Men and women injected with Botox found it difficult to show emotion when speaking. They would proceed to get out their cell phones and type what appeared to be sideways smiley faces :). Eventually the celebrities began doing it, creating their own different type faces, and calling them emoticons. Soon the emoticons escalated into such a fad they negated the use to show emotion at all! People began to say things like, "I heart you" named after the ever-so-popular <3.

After 365 long days, 2002 ended and 2003 began. Emoticons were no longer enough. People, United States Citizens, began *sob* using acronyms! "Lol" not only became popular, it became mandatory to use if you wanted to have a conversation via text. What does it mean? No one really knows! Laugh out loud? Laugh online? Love or licorice? So many possible meanings for three letters! People have gotten better after nearly ten years, though. They've narrowed down the possibilities of an acronym by adding more letters. I mean, if you get a text saying IWAPESICTASOUHN, everyone knows what that means. Seriously guys, ICMTSU.

KIDAC, :A .

xoxo,
Jessie

FFI (For Future Information)

19: Hand

RUMCYMHMD: Are You on Medication Cause You Must Have Missed a Dose

;-<> : Drooling

BYB: Burst Your Bubble

<3: Heart

IWAPESICTASOUHN: I want a Pink Elephant So I Can Take Showers Outside Under His Nose

ICMTSU: I Can't Make This Stuff Up

KIDAC: Okay, I Did On A Few

:A : Laughing Out Loud

xoxo: Hugs and Kisses!

Moments like These

A few nights ago after my sister put her daughter to bed we sat up talking. I'd had a bad day and was complaining about it to my sister. Later, when my niece started to cry, I offered to go rock her for a few minutes until she calmed down and, hopefully, fell asleep. 

As I sat in the dark rocking my niece back and forth, back-and-forth, I wondered why I'd had a bad day. Why was I complaining? I couldn't remember. I was unbelievably happy that I was sitting in the dark, holding a beautiful little girl. It was nice to forget my troubles for a while and just focus on the little things that make life worth living. Things like...

The sound of my niece's laughter

My nephew blowing me kisses goodbye

Summer rain

Mountains

Daisies

The smell of chocolate

My mom's baseball addiction

My dad's smile

Shoe shopping

Chocolate chip cookie dough

Piano music

The crinkle of the pages of a new book

Singing at the top of my lungs

Rolling down grassy hills

Taking photographs

The stars

Laughing

It's moments like these that make life worth living. Everyone has something that makes them smile, something that fills them with joy. The trick is to not let the bad things outweigh the good things. 

xoxo,

Jessie

Five Songs that will Make Your Day

Ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed? You get up and automatically know it's going to be one of those days. The kind of day where everything is going to go wrong. You're going to be late for work, your car is going to get a flat tire on the freeway, and your mom forgot to pack a Twinkie with your lunch. You know the kind of day I'm talking about. No worries; I've got a cure. Play these five songs while you get ready in the morning and your day is destined to be better than you originally thought. Promise.

"Pray for You" - Jaron and The Long Road to Love

Why? - Gives you a new perspective on the whole "Love Your Enemies" principle.

"Ironic" - Alanis Morissette

Why? - No matter how bad life gets you can find comfort in the fact 

that you didn't die on your first plane ride...I hope...

"If I had a Million Dollars" - Barenaked Ladies

Why? - You deserve to dream! 

"Who Says" - Selena Gomez & The Scene

Why? - Yes, you are beautiful. 

"Online" - Brad Paisley

Why? - Remember, you can be anyone you want to be...

as long as you have a username and password.

I hope if the songs didn't make your day, then I did.

xoxo,
Jessie

Bedbugs and Beetles

I've never really known what a bedbug is, but I know it doesn't sound pleasant. And since, at a very young age, I made it a rule of mine to discard everything unpleasant from my life, I knew bedbugs were something to avoid.

So you can imagine my surprise when I rolled out of bed this morning and saw a dead beetle in my sheets. Were it's guts squished all over the sheets like it had tried to escape it's waking nightmare while I had slept dreaming of chocolate fudge cake (one of my better dreams, I'll admit)? No, rather it looked like it had suffocated to death. Like I had slept on top of it. All. Night. Long.

At first I felt disgust, followed quickly by a nauseated feeling as I tossed the beetle in the trash. But then, I felt a familiar sense of anger. Anger that this unpleasant thing had made it's way into my otherwise pleasant morning. And I had made it a rule of mine, at a very young age, to discard everything unpleasant from my life and this beetle dared to break my rules. Oh, no, his death was not surprising.

After gloating that I had won the battle I hadn't known was afoot, I started to worry, as I tend to do, about other unpleasant things making their way into my otherwise pleasant life. You know what I'm talking about...bedbugs. So I did what any normal person would do. I went online to dictionary.com, one of my favorite websites, and looked up the definition of bedbug (it is one word for those of you who wondered).

bed·bug

  [bed-buhg]

–noun

1.

a flat, wingless, bloodsucking hemipterous insect, Cimexlectularius,  that infests houses and especially beds.

2.

any of several other bloodsucking bugs of the family Cimicidae.

After looking up "hemipterous" which basically means a classification of bug/insect, I now knew what a bedbug was. And I was right. They did not sound pleasant. Now while the beetle wasn't strictly a bedbug, if we broaden the definition a bit, it was in my bed and it was a bug...so I'm pretty sure the beetle was a bedbug and it was definitely unpleasant.

Now I have an official reason to begin my war against the bedbugs of the world. Any bug that resides in, by, near, or within a .5 mile radius of my bed - you've been warned. I've got a bottle of Raid and a flyswatter that is silent but deadly.

xoxo,
Jessie

Hair Personality

I dyed my hair. It used to be light brown and now it is a dark brownish-red. I spent the first two days flip-flopping back and forth between absolutely loving it and completely hating it. For example:

Day of Dyeing:
5:00 p.m. - Leave Salon - LOVE HAIR
5:15 p.m. - Drive Around - Like hair
5:30 p.m. - Arrive at Sister's House - Undecided
6:45 p.m. - Sister's House - Dislike hair
7:00 p.m. - Leave Sister's House -  HATE HAIR
7:10 p.m. - Arrive Home and Look in Mirror - Like Hair
7:15 p.m. - Talk to Brother - Hate Hair
7:30 p.m. - Talk to Dad - Hate Hair
9:00 p.m. - Talk to Mom - Like Hair
Next Day
9:30 a.m. - Wake Up - Dislike Hair
10:00 a.m. - Take Shower - Hate Hair
10:15 a.m. - Dry Hair - Hate Hair
10:17 a.m. - Style Hair - LOVE HAIR

Like I said, after about two days of this I finally decided I loved it. I'm used to it now and I don't cringe every time I look in the mirror anymore.

Since I've dyed my hair, however, I seem to act a little differently. I must be going insane because when I go shopping my sense of style has changed, I think different things are funny, I overreact at the littlest thing... I've come to the most logical conclusion possible. My hair. It must be my hair. My hair is the only thing that has changed over the past week and a half and that must be why I'm acting so weird! It makes perfect sense!

I took it upon myself to do a little research (ha! take that, new personality!) and I've come to find some pretty interesting, if completely ridiculous, stuff.

• Blondes are often thought as sexier than other women, but are also thought as ditsy and naive. Blonde women tend to get more attention from men, as well as get married earlier in life. Blondes have great memories, strong consciouses and are good at math.
  
  

• Black-haired women are more serious. They are mostly interested in history and religion and best when it comes to finances. 

• Brunettes are the responsible ones, the good girls. They are hard workers and reliable. They usually work harder than other women and get down-trodden easily. 

• Red-haired women are opinionated and feisty. They're the women that come up with the great ideas and think that nothing is impossible. Women with red hair are sensitive, but outspoken. They hardly get used to new things and ideas and they're irritable and easy to annoy.
  
  

So, what did we learn from all this?

I should have dyed my hair blonde...then I could have passed my math classes. 

xoxo,

Jessie

Me, Myself, and My Blog

Blogs are becoming increasingly popular. I, myself, have started a blog...if you haven't noticed. Having transfered from the ever-decreasing population of the anti-bloggers to the continually increasing population pro-bloggers, I have deemed myself an expert on why people are quickly jumping on the bandwagon. Here are just a few of the reasons that blogging is now more popular than ever:

• Don't like privacy? Neither do we! Blogs allow family, friends and perfect strangers to pry into your life where they don't belong and don't particularly want to be. 
• Because texting, Tweeting, and posting it on Facebook is simply not enough!
• Because of that one guy who said that one thing on his blog that helped the news uncover that other guy who did some bad thing that they eventually caught and convicted him for. 
• You are the expert. Have a Ph.D. in minutes of setting up an account! Simply include it in your profile and people will believe you.
• People are replacing books with blogs. It's much more cost efficient. None of that pesky grammer to deal with. 
• "Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few."

If I haven't convinced you to start a blog, don't worry, I've gotten you to read this post and that's the first step. You'll get there in no time. 

xoxo,

Jessie